Confessions of a Teenage Drug Addict > Reflection on what happened


"I was very impressed that you can turn over a new leaf. I first thought that drug addicts are those 'leopards that will not change their spots'. I changed my mind after reading your secret diary." - Hui, Singapore

DATE: Sunday 25th November 2001 (two months later)

QUESTION: The last time we did an interview was about two months ago. At that time you were very depressed and feeling suicidal. Can you bring us up to date? How are you feeling now?

GOR: I feel better. I don't need drugs anymore. I am OK right now because I am concentrating on my work. Now I have quit school. This year I am not going to learn. This will allow me to concentrate more on my web magazine and building my online book shop. Next May I am planning to go and learn in a business college in Bangkok. I am not sure yet.

QUESTION: What about your depression? Do you still think about killing yourself?

GOR: I don't feel like that anymore. It just disappeared by itself. I don't really know how it went. It was probably because I was staying at my grandmum's house and I had nothing to do. That was why I thought about it. But now I think that was very stupid. Very stupid. I shouldn't have said that. If I died my parents would hurt a lot. I shouldn't do that. But, in that mood, when I was depressed, I didn't think about that. It's like I wasn't in control.

QUESTION: When was the last time you took drugs?

GOR: Long time ago. I cannot remember now.

QUESTION: Are you thinking about drugs now?

GOR: No, not anymore. I now know the drugs were hurting my mind and stopping me from thinking clearly. Even two months after I stopped I couldn't concentrate on my work or make simple decisions about my life. I won't touch them again for sure.

QUESTION: What about your friends? Are some of them still taking drugs?

GOR: Yes, most of them. Still the same. No difference. But I am different because I came back to work on my web magazine. I have something to concentrate on. Even when my friends ring and ask if I want to go out or go to a drugs party I say no I have to work.

QUESTION: So, you are seeing less of your friends now?

GOR: Yes, that is right.

QUESTION: Is that the best way for you to quit drugs?

GOR: The best way is not to go out and hang around with your friends who are still taking drugs. Even if they don't ask you to take it, you might not be able to control yourself. Then you will be back in hell.

QUESTION: That's amazing you saying that now. I think it was about four months ago, most of us were saying that you should spend less time with your friends. I think you also received a lot of letters from people around the world who said the same thing. Are you now saying that it would have been better if you had stopped seeing your friends back then?

GOR: That's right. I didn't believe anyone. When they tried to stop me seeing my friends that made me moody and be angry a lot. When they tried to stop me I just did the opposite way by going out all the time. Now, they don't say anything. They just ask one time. All of this is my idea not to be with my friends. I don't see them much now. I am happy because I can see it is working. I am also happy because it was my decision. I am really sorry that I didn't listen to you and my parents before. But, during that time it was like the drugs were controlling me.

QUESTION: When I was preparing for this interview earlier, I was surprised that only 6-7 months have passed since you first started experimenting with drugs. Are you amazed how quickly you became addicted and then how much your life changed so dramatically because of that?

GOR: Yes, yes, yes, yes. I shouldn't have tried it. Even one time. Just that one time changed everything. I used to be in the top class. My grades were always 3.5 and higher. But, after I started taking drugs, I missed school a lot and got into trouble with my teachers and the police. I also started stealing money. Ten, twenty baht at first. Then later 100 and 200 baht. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why I did that for. It's like drugs changed everything. I have never done anything like that in the past. I have never thought about that kind of thing before. Even when I didn't have money I never stole. This now makes me embarrassed and ashamed.

QUESTION: Did that change things when your parents found out?

GOR: Yes. They didn't really trust me anymore. They carefully put their money away. Even now they don't trust me 100%. I am not angry because I started it. So, I can't complain. Back then all I thought about was drugs. Only drugs. Every day the first thing I thought about was where was I going to find the money to pay for drugs. We all thought about that every day. We always found money by stealing, selling stuff or bullying younger kids. Before, I used to stop my friends when I saw them bullying younger kids. But, the drugs changed me. People knew they shouldn't mess with me or my group of friends.

QUESTION: OK. I now want to look back at some of the things you said in an earlier interview. I think it was Interview Two that you said it is Ok for kids to try one time. You even said that you would let your own kids try drugs one time. What do you think about that now?

GOR: That was all rubbish. Just that one time sent me straight to hell. It was very hard for me to come back. I have been through that so I know how hard it is. Even when I am older I will never forget that I was a drug addict and how far downhill I went.

QUESTION: Will you tell your kids you were on drugs?

GOR: No.... Maybe. I am not sure. If they start taking drugs I am going to tell them and help them. I am sure I will understand them because I have got these interviews. I will remember the feeling when I was addicted to drugs. How I treated myself. How I treated my parents.

QUESTION: What can you do to stop them taking drugs in the first place?

GOR: I can teach them to be a good person from the time when they know the difference between right and wrong. You know, I have changed my mind. I will tell them when they are old enough that I was addicted to drugs. I will show them these interviews and show them how bad it became for me.

QUESTION: You told me before that if teachers or parents just say drugs are bad don't try them, then that will make kids curious to try them. What will you say that is different?

GOR: Drugs are fun to start with. But soon you will be down in hell. It is important to understand that you won't know you are down there. You won't be able to see the difference between right and wrong. You will do anything just to get money to buy drugs. Me and all my friends thought we were in control. But really, drugs controlled us.

QUESTION: What is keeping you away from drugs now?

GOR: My web magazine, my future and my parents. That is very important to have something like that. Hope for your future. But, when I was on drugs I never thought about my future. I was only thinking from day to day. I was only interested in where I was going to find the money for drugs. It scares me now that just that one mistake nearly destroyed all the work I have been doing in the past four years. All of the plans I had for my future were nearly lost. I feel lucky that I now have the chance to rebuild my life. I want to thank everyone that supported me and helped me get off drugs. That support was very important to me. I am glad they kept supporting me even though I was doing bad things to them. If they had given up on me I don't know where I would be today. I now wish I hadn't made that mistake but I feel the experience has made me stronger. I also hope these interviews will be of use to other teenagers addicted to drugs or their family and friends. Please don't give up. Be strong. You are not alone.

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